Sunday, 10 June 2012

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Quite frankly, I'm hoping my SilverLining is somewhere very close over the rainbow... but for now I'm having some crappy days.  Wednesday was a good day, and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day too.  I've been quiet on the blogging front, so hopefully this post will explain why, on top of the usual being a Mummy, study and life in general excuses.

A couple of days after Pickle and I returned from Oz, BoyWonder* said he wanted a divorce.  (Nothing like burying the lead, hey).  I've been trying to work things out, but he's adamant that he's felt like this for some time and can't move beyond how he feels.  We tried two sessions of couples counselling, and while my goal is to work through our problems, build on our friendship and reconcile, his goal is for an amicable divorce, so there's not a lot for the counsellor to work with.

I'm pissed at him.  I think he's a numpty and will regret it down the track.  And that's being kind.  I'm angry, but most of all I'm sad.  I've been dealing with a good dose of denial as well - it's actually been months since this happened, and I guess I was hoping he'd change his mind, see the error of his ways or whatever.  I'm doing a good job of working my way through Kubler-Ross' stages of grief.

I had depression about four years ago.  It was my second time.  Most people who get depression will get it more than once.  BoyWonder* blames my depression for the downturn in our relationship and his subsequent depression.  It's an illness, you have to have a predisposition to it, a bit like diabetes say.  Believe me, I've argued 'til I'm blue in the face that I can't be blamed.  And I'll be the first to put my hand up to say I didn't pull my weight around the house when I was depressed.  But when he's running through a list of any and all of my failings from the past seven years of our relationship, it's no wonder it's not worked.

His inability to communicate is a major factor - he has one friend who he's been completely honest with, but talking to me a couple of years ago might have helped.  He admits he hasn't been successful either in opening up or when he has, not doing it successfully.  My lack of realisation just goes to show there's a reason people don't counsel those they know.

When we first started going out, within the first three months in fact, I pointed out our age difference (he's 9 years younger than me) and how I really wanted kids and eventually wanted to move back to Australia.  We agreed on the fundamentals.  Since then, BoyWonder* has changed his mind, or was previously only telling me what I wanted to hear.  I was naive enough to believe it.

And while I am trying to have a balanced, non-snarky post here (not least because my lovely in-laws might read this), he's starting to sound a bit like Mother-bloody-Teresa.  He's made some really horrible comments recently... mind you, I've stropped back with "you'll be rid of me soon enough" as well, so not my finest moment.  Thankfully they've been the exception to the rule, and I believe I've (generally) dealt with them in a calm and adult way.  But FFS, he's leaving me.  A little snark is surely allowed?

He wants to stay friends, and I think that will be possible, if we can get through the crappy stuff quickly.  We're trying to do the divorce bit as amicably as possible.  It would be good to stay friends in the long term, as he's still Pickle's Daddy, and we both want what is best for Pickle.

For now, that will mean Pickle, the cats and I move back to Australia in the near future; to be closer to our families, and at least in the same country as the friends I consider close enough to be family.  It will unfortunately mean leaving a few of my really close friends here who I love dearly, and who have been a great support.  I'm crying while I'm typing this now.  In the library.  Nice.

It will of course mean leaving BoyWonder* in the UK too.  We will set up regular Skype times for Pickle, but it won't be the same.  Down the track there will be visits.  We'll sort it out.  It won't be easy, but hopefully there will be a SilverLining.  Cross your fingers for me, OK?

Cheers, KangaRue :)

* well that pseudonym is going to have to change isn't it!  Alternate suggestions welcome, but Pickle's Daddy (PD) might have to suffice for now.

PS.  If you are family or friends reading this post, and this is how you found out, I hope you can forgive the mode of communication - quite frankly, it's exhausting to talk about.


  1. Oh honey, that's rubbish. Nothing you can do, but I'm glad you get to go back to Aus like you wanted.
    You are right about depression and I think it's a hard thing to understand if you haven't been through it: it's not just being miserable for a while. It's true that things can trigger it if you've susceptible, just like things (like good friends) can help fight it, but you can't catch it off someone
    Big hugs essexkate

  2. Wow! Heavy news. I'm sorry things haven't worked out.  From the tone of the post though, it sounds like you will eventually make it through as friends. There's really nothing I can say that's going to make this time in your life less than shitty, but just keep in mind that it *will* get better and you will recover. You are strong person and have a lot more living still to do! Hugs, Lxx

  3. Oh Ruth I am so sorry to hear this. I have been through this myself and the  cliche of 'time heals all wounds' doesn't take the current pain away but just live one day at a time and this pain will become a distant is PD's loss and a false belief that there is something better than the comfort of a home and family to share one's life with......I wish you well and look forward to reading about the next chapter of life for you and pickle.

    Take Care and allow yourself to feel is all part of the

  4. maggy, red ted art10 June 2012 at 13:38

    Oh my Ruth, I am so sorry to hear this :-( a very difficult and distressing time for you. I hope that it does get better and you will feel better about things soon. Maybe your silver lining is being back with your family and friends in Australia? Even if your plan wasn't for being back so soon. Wish you lots of strength and courage and *hopefully* it will all end amicably!

  5. Hi Ruth
    Dad here! I prefer not to make personal comments on your blog for anybody to see. Do you mind if we stick to emails?

  6. I just want to send you strength and sunshine as you go through this very hard time. Keep writing, and keep in touch. xox

  7. So sorry to hear that your reason for moving back to Aus isn't a happy one. I think moving back near family & friends (old & NEW) will be your silver lining though. . Hang in there & look me up when you return. Nicole.

  8. Absolute rubbish, so sorry you've been going through this. You must be so disappointed with the whole situation. A move back to Oz sounds like the best move for you, hope it goes smoothly.

  9. Been there, done that and am living a happier, stronger life. Its brutally tough but you can do it. One thing to consider - and this has really changed the situation for me - is finding another single mum to house share with. Amazing way to get through everything.

    This is not your fault - and one day he'll realise what (and how much) he's missing out on! xoxo

  10. Oh hun I am so sorry to hear this, what a hugely stressful time for you. What can I say? I've had some similar experiences, with depression and divorce though I can't claim to have had an amicable divorce. One thing that is tricky with the distance is the maintenance payments. I found it is difficult to enforce payment from the other side of the world. But on the upside being nearer to your family and friends should make things much easier for you. Thinking of you Vix. (NB/ email me any time if you need to vent or tweet me. x

  11. This came as a shock to me today on your twitter - but thanks for sharing. Friends is the most important thing. And it sounds like you've got some great ones. 

  12. I like that you were able to write about this even when it was raw. I write a lot about how I feel as well. When my father passed away in late Oct 11, I wrote a blog post the next morning. I did text a couple of friends, but as for everyone else, they could read about my feelings in my blog (and I told everyone not to call me cos I didn't want to talk!). 



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